Thursday, September 29, 2011

The "It" has a name.

The “It” has a name. I’m not nuts. I’m not crazy. “It” was so hard to describe and others judged and others didn’t understand. “It” left me feeling like something was wrong with ME, that no matter how much love, structure and how hard I (and we) tried “It” wouldn’t let us in by normal means. “It” was the force in us non-renewing our foster license. “It” is R.A.D. = Reactive Attachment Disorder. Google it, it isn’t pretty.

We put her through extensive testing. When the Doctor talked to us as a couple and asked me if I felt bonded with her, I cried as I admitted “no, not at all.” And it isn’t because we got her later, it isn’t because we aren’t trying, it is because “It” controls her from bonding, she isn’t capable….YET! We’ve more work to do and we won’t give up. We are at a new line with the gun going off as the new race has begun. This time the blindfolds are off.

What does a title mean? It means we can research the correct way, it means we can study and learn to parent a R.A.D. child. Does it mean it will be easier? No, but we’re making headway with proper support and professional help to assist our family in dealing with this demon, and yes it is a demon, that has been pulling at the roots of our family.

If we hadn’t had the years of marriage to cement us, I can see how this can tear family apart. There is no “normal” anymore, we are tired, weary, stressed, controlled and pulled in directions we’ve no control over. NOW we can fight back with the knowledge of “It” with learning and growth.

A hard part has been to see our other children suffer too when the violence comes and sometimes is directed at them. I will NOT allow them to be hurt, we will draw the line in the sand on safety. That said, they need tools too to learn about this and know why their sibling does what she does, says what she says. Their education will allow them to be able to cope as well. We will find ways to give them respite and importantly, take respite ourselves so we can handle the waves that come sometimes gently, sometimes in tsunami force.

A book I just finished called “We adopted a Dusty Miller” was like reading something I could very well have written myself in a lot of ways, while there are differences, there are many similarities and I’d suggest anyone who wants to learn more about “It” read this book as a good start. There are two more books on the counter that we will be reading. If you have life experienced advice or good web sites / books / resources you’ve used please share in comments. If you don’t want it published, just let me know.

So, prayers and support are needed. We walk this walk….God has a purpose and direction for us even though we didn’t dream of this direction, we embrace what God has placed before us and as His servants will strive with His help to make it through this and grow in new ways.

Time for me to indulge in some more Dove Chololate therapy and HGTV!
I desire my soul to be like this lake!

3 comments:

Missy said...

Thinking of you! I don't have any professional advice and not a lot of resources to suggest because we found that nothing ever really prepared us aside from a strong faith and determination to make our marriage and safety of our family a priority. BUT I do have the life experience...and my heart breaks for families going through this. Feels as though we have come out on the other side (as the most severe ones are adults now), but time will tell. It's not over as they become adults, but the issues are different and the perspective and our involvement is different. Hang in there and message me or call me anytime!

Missy

Dee said...

A tough road for all...life is just plain hard at times...just do the best you can and do not be hard on yourself. HUGS Dee

Frizzy said...

I am so thankful you posted this. I haven't written about it on our blog because I honestly have no idea how to w/o sounding like I'm complaining which I'm not.

We have seen Yaya struggle with some of the R.A.D symptoms and as a result we're going to a family therapist to help her work through it as best as she can. Some days are better than others. It's amazing to us how much the first 6 1/2 months of her life still impact her today and how deeply rooted they go in who she is and how she opperates and thinks. Wonderfully written! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

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