Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Quiet Equals Pain

No, I haven’t been writing or blogging…..my quiet equals my pain.  SOO much has been happening that to purge it here would be to regurgitate it in ways I can’t even begin….because it is complex and deep.  Someday maybe, but for now, I’m trying to keep going, keep going, keep going…head up, head up, head up…..smile, smile, smile….love, love love….one day at a time, one day at a time, one day at a time…

I’ve experienced and done things in the last 30 days no mother ever wants to do or experience.  Some days my world was so big and my existence so small….I wondered if God was still near me.  My faith has been rocked to its core – and I have come out stronger, weaker and more aware of God’s great presence in my life as He shows me over and over my journey with my husband of 32 years along my side is our destiny of mission work.  At a very weak moment, I felt the very presence of God with my husband – knowing that together we’d make it.  Such a powerful moment that in words sounds simplistic and unreal – but it wasn’t and it moved me to a strength I needed.

Friends and family don’t understand usually….they marvel at the trials we’ve been experiencing and some simply have no clue.  It is hard to explain, and I’ve definitely asked God the “why?” questions.  But to be able to cope, I have to take one breath at a time, get up every day, one step in front of the other and survive what is thrown at me.  Sounds simple….but it isn’t always.  Our church Pastor and a church Deacon keeping in touch, offering support – people ask what they can do – to be honest, prayers are what we need the most – there is power in prayer, and we have already seen many prayers answered.  Our faith carries us on, reminding us our Christian walk is hard on the narrow path – life is tough, but so are we.  We’ll get through these trials and be stronger for it.
People think I’m not a very empathetic person – but the truth is, I am but it hurts so much, you aren’t going to see it unless you are very close, to be able to smell the garlic on my breath close…..only to my heart.

A painful part of my life these past weeks was mailing out our Christmas cards – usually a most joyous event for me – showing my lovely family to the world and feeling blessed beyond measure…..that feeling returned last night, despite just days before feeling like those cards as such a front and lie – that if you’d open the flaps you’d see all the ugliness, sin and hurt in our lives.  It has been a symbolic measure for me to send them, knowing that many people around me may look like they have it all together, but really, deep inside is pain, suffering and hurt.  

Last night, as my family came together in hugs and tears….I felt a glimmer of that greater hope again, knowing we’ve a long road ahead, I felt God’s direction once more saying, peace, it will come. We have held fast in the storm, we have suffered to return to a new wholeness, knowing that we will never be the same as a result.  We will be stronger for the next crash of waves – for they will come…

We remain committed to our mission field, right in our own home….daily walking in the Lord to continue with his calling in our life.  I know, we could have ignored him over the years and we’d be selfishly living a life without 4 children that needed God warrior parents, fighting for them in every aspect we can and are able to….making that difference in their lives.  Even when it feels like out boat is sinking, God blows the sails and keeps us afloat, we are walking on the water holding hands with Jesus – knowing that through the love we’ve received we have a hope that is bigger than our pain.  

Ephesians 1:5  He predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ.  In accordance with his pleasure and will.

Merry Christmas!

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