We received a blanket of lovely white snow on Easter Sunday. Coming home from Sunrise Service I fought an overwhelming urge to go away on my own and photograph the beauty of it. But duties called me to the kitchen to get things ready for Sunday Dinner with 16 around the table, so I snapped a few just around home, then C asked if she could shoot a few with my camera and she did.
My emotions tie in with these pictures so well lately. The beauty in the ice and snow - hiding so much dirt and dryness of the parched Kansas ground, hugging it with intensity to provide it some loving moisture. As a Mom, I too want to be that blanket of white snow, loving, giving, sacrificing for my children, hugging them to keep them away from the evils that lure them in - especially when they face challenges so much lately. My reality lies in that no matter how much I give, how much I love, how much I sacrifice - we are back to square one again.
My soul feels a deep sadness - nothing works. Nothing helps. They say more therapy, they barely can acknowledge that what they provide doesn't work. When the recipient doesn't value the information or isn't capable to applying it - it becomes pointless. But to "give up" makes us feel like failures in a life we can't save from the demons of the past that moulded and control. $18 grand and weeks later, we arrive at 7 weeks home and it feels like we've gained no ground. I've a strong faith, but I've got to admit - short of a miracle, nothing can save this slide down a slippery hill over and over. I'm feeling low. I allow myself to realize that it is Okay. It is time to let it go - I've fought the good fight, but I'm tired and don't know that I can keep doing this for another year. I'm hurt and retreating. It is hard for me to give it up, give it up to God I tell myself and move on, so I have to try.
Another day it will snow again......beauty will return in pristine cleanliness that will also fade and go away. It doesn't stay. I yearn for a happiness that seems out of reach.....I remember the days filled with love and laughter and a carefree flow with trust and honesty prevailing....why can't that be the norm? I envy those that have this. I remember who I used to be and mourn the passing this situation has me in. It was my choice. I chose this path.....so I'll finish it. It won't be easy, fighting demons isn't easy work. Some hard decisions lie ahead. Time and prayers will direct this.
Do you know what it is like to volunteer for something, then as that obligation comes near you regret it and can't wait for it to be over? Sometimes we have to say "no" and that is where I'm at. I'm not going to compromise my standards or morals because the ethics of who I am hold me strong in my stance. Some think I'm hard headed or hard hearted....they don't know the tender spots my heart holds at all. There is give and take - but it comes with responsibility, honesty and trust I pray for these as a norm vs a rarity. These things when lost are hard to gain back. I was recently informed of a girl who pays her parents $200 a month rent, who isn't 18 yet - and then her parents aren't allowed to "parent" her and she can do whatever she wants. It was told to me with admiration like that was the path we should go. Hmmmm - not this mama. You can be 25 and if you live in our house - it is our rules.