We received a
blanket of lovely white snow on Easter Sunday. Coming home from
Sunrise Service I fought an overwhelming urge to go away on
my own and photograph the beauty of it. But duties called me to the
kitchen to get things ready for Sunday Dinner with 16 around the table,
so I snapped a few just around home, then C asked if she could shoot a
few with my camera and she did.
My
emotions tie in with these pictures so well lately. The beauty in the
ice and snow - hiding so much dirt and dryness of the parched Kansas
ground, hugging it with intensity to provide it some loving moisture.
As a Mom, I too want to be that blanket of white snow, loving, giving,
sacrificing for my children, hugging them to keep them away from the
evils that lure them in - especially when they face challenges so much
lately. My reality lies in that no matter how much I give, how much I
love, how much I sacrifice - we are back to square one again.
My
soul feels a deep sadness - nothing works. Nothing helps. They say
more therapy, they barely can acknowledge that what they provide doesn't
work. When the recipient doesn't value the information or isn't
capable to applying it - it becomes pointless. But to "give up" makes
us feel like failures in a life we can't save from the demons of the
past that moulded and control. $18 grand and weeks later, we arrive at 7
weeks home and it feels like we've gained no ground. I've a strong
faith, but I've got to admit - short of a miracle, nothing can save this
slide down a slippery hill over and over. I'm feeling low. I allow
myself to realize that it is Okay. It is time to let it go - I've
fought the good fight, but I'm tired and don't know that I can keep
doing this for another year. I'm hurt and retreating. It is hard for
me to give it up, give it up to God I tell myself and move on, so I have
to try.
Another
day it will snow again......beauty will return in pristine cleanliness
that will also fade and go away. It doesn't stay. I yearn for a
happiness that seems out of reach.....I remember the days filled with
love and laughter and a carefree flow with trust and honesty
prevailing....why can't that be the norm? I envy those that have this. I remember who I used to be
and mourn the passing this situation has me in. It was my choice. I
chose this path.....so I'll finish it. It won't be easy, fighting
demons isn't easy work. Some hard decisions lie ahead. Time and
prayers will direct this.
Do
you know what it is like to volunteer for something, then as that
obligation comes near you regret it and can't wait for it to be over?
Sometimes we have to say "no" and that is where I'm at. I'm not going
to compromise my standards or morals because the ethics of who I am hold
me strong in my stance. Some think I'm hard headed or hard hearted....they don't know the tender spots my heart holds at all. There is give and take - but it comes with
responsibility, honesty and trust I pray for these as a norm vs a rarity. These things when lost are hard to gain
back. I was recently informed of a girl who pays her parents $200 a
month rent, who isn't 18 yet - and then her parents aren't allowed to
"parent" her and she can do whatever she wants. It was told to me with admiration like that was the path we should go. Hmmmm - not this
mama. You can be 25 and if you live in our house - it is our rules.
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