The challenges have been beyond real lately. God pushes me to grow…..sometimes like my teens I just want to sleep in on life and ignore responsibility, chores and going to work…..I want to sit and do nothing. This isn’t normally me – but occasionally this feeling comes. More so with age.
So, I had part of my kidney removed. Tumor was all contained – praise God! No chemo, no radiation needed. Hallelujah all the way. I am blessed. I stayed longer than anticipated in the hospital due to fever and the weekend wasn’t when they wanted me released if I ran into problems. I was happy to get home, shower and wear normal clothes! During the time I was in the hospital, our oldest, decided along with the lies he was giving us, to quit his job, move out and move in with his birth mother who found him via Facebook. Shock. Pain. I’d take 10 kidney surgeries with the pain vs what this did to me emotionally. Talk about a low blow.
My cries to God of why, 17 years and this is what we get? Not the plan we had. Major failure to launch here. So I tried to set aside my selfishness…. resisted listening to God, pleaded with him…. a month went by. I heard God telling me over and over what I needed to do…. but I didn’t want to do it. A few more weeks went by, God gave me sleepless nights, mental angst…. finally, broken of my will I said “Yes Lord, I will do what you ask.”
We reached out to the birth mother and for the benefit of my sons, we got together in peace to learn to know each other. What struck me was the struggle of poverty, addictions of 17 years, a turned leaf struggling against the odds. I felt humbled and guilty of all I have in my life. A new view….and the fix it Val came out. There are ½ siblings, so I’m treading softly. I want to continue to hear God and what he asks of me. My walls of fear exist and I’m slow to lower them, but God made me a loving being for a reason and I will rise to His challenge. I’m actually excited about how this has released some of my fears – how the hurt can ease when I listen to what God says about loving your neighbor as yourself.
I am blessed and have been given talents and abilities that are clearer to me, given this interaction and I pray discernment as we move forward. What mixed blessings will come from this initial olive branch we have begun? Healing. Healing for my heart, sharing of two boys we’ve had for over 17 years that we love beyond measure…. hope for their future. And maybe, while we don’t have anything but love for two young men in common, a small bud of friendship and understanding will grow. Peace – the peace I seek may be possible as I step outside my comfort zone. It has been years since my voluntary service experience and I find myself needing to remember more – needing to be able to let go and risk. So, a new journey begins.