It Feels Okay....

I was reading an article, trying to get my brain to grasp onto things and find that peace / healing I need in our adoption journey to date, especially of the older ones.  I think if feels at times for me that we give and give – expecting a positive result that doesn’t and can’t come.  Patterns we desire to break – don’t seem to be breaking but falling to genetics of generations, giving us a sadness that our journey of change didn’t imprint as much as we’d hoped.  Learning to stop at times and find ways to fill our cups and restore ourselves has had to become a priority or we’ll have nothing good left for the last in the nest.

She, little who isn’t little anymore,  is growing up and struggling with her realm of the changed family – siblings gone, she misses them and the activity they brought.  One came to support her in her piano recital – that was so nice.  So I see the bonds there and holding which gives me hope.  Maybe it is taking joy in more baby steps when I want those longer strides and testing my patience to see the smaller miracles.

As we’ve watched with ongoing surprise and not surprise, the phones ring, the problems continue.  But they reach for us – they know we are strong and there.  Collect calls from the prison jail, while they find humorous, saddens me but reassures me they know who to call.  Maybe they needed my voice to know I’m still there, the Mom that raised them and feels she can scold them yet loves them so unconditionally despite it all.  I found a message that said “Dear kids, Sorry I yell.  In my defense, you were acting like a bunch of psychos.”  So true…..

Just in the time of typing this a son called to let me know of more law altercations.  I remind him it might be time to find new friends.   No, I won’t bond out his friends.  **sigh**   And a quick more to a new place with no appliances – not thought out – yah for garage sale season saving the weekend on a fridge and stove score!

Spring is moving quickly to warm summer temps – I’m planting my pots with lovely flowers that give me joy yet make me miss my “Oma” and visiting the home farm to see my Mom’s flowers as well.  My genetics are there too – ones I embrace and am not happy with – we are creatures of history, genetics and patterns that follow us in life.

Hard times are consistently here it seems, but so is Jesus Christ.  I need to hold to my faith and know that this journey is one he walks with us and gives us strength, refills our cups and leads us on into that unknown future. We’ve set some new home short and long term goals.  One day at a time, one journey at a time– meanwhile, the grief of the older ones departing is replacing with a gentle peace breeze and we are settling into our new dynamics of a family of 3 in the house – and it feels okay…..yes, it feels okay.