We all wait in life.
Some wait for a cure to cancer/healing.
Some wait for life in a barren womb.
Some wait for a spouse. Some wait
for relief from depression. Some wait
for rest. Some wait for peace. Some wait for joy. Some wait for rehabilitation.
Some wait for the saving of a child.
That is me. That is
us. Pluralize it to “children.”
We know God is faithful and hears our prayers. That he is good and loves us. But lets get real here too – he allows pain,
he allows war, sickness, sadness, addictions and so much more.
When I pray – do I pray for unrealistic expectations? Because the answers are short on coming. Oh – there it is, me asking and expecting….not
waiting. Yes, I am an impatient
person. There, I’ve said it and admit it
and own it. But I still BELIEVE and have
a strong faith in God – so I don’t mean to be impatient. But I am.
God delivers in his timing – so my trust needs to
remain. This road is long. Recently I told a father who watched in awe at
all the normal developmental things his child did, “it goes fast – it isn’t a
lie.” So why can’t this road go
fast? I want the ending….the happily
ever after ending….
I want to tell God “look, you’ve grown us way more that we
thought possible – so let’s just take a remission here, right now.” I feel like Charlie Brown with Lucy holding
the football – we go running up, ready for a life touchdown – but swoosh – God
pulls the football away like Lucy and we land on our backs staring at the sky
wondering why this happened again.
I’ll just say, right now I’m feeling on top for getting to a
50/50 percentage on my kids. Given one
is only 11 – reality is I’m at 33.3%. Of what you ask? In launching them to responsible, decent
adulthood. Not God serving – yet, but more
self sufficient, employed and legal. Sadness
hits me as I realize those words. But….I
have to find my joy where I can, so I’m sticking with it.
I’m waiting on the Lord, not allowing these trials to seep
into a bitterness or hopelessness of life.
I’ll let you know, that isn’t easy. I heard myself actually giving God 4
years to get the job done. Tought stuff
especially when 50% of your kiddos are sitting in jail and it could easily be
75%! I lived those days of sadness. Some
days are still very sad. Sometimes in
the dark walk I’d try bargaining and bribing – but that doesn’t work. So God lifts me and holds me and continues to
help me to rely on his strength, not my own, but His to carry me on this walk.
Some days I marvel that I can even hold my head up in the
community I live in (yes I’ve thought about moving!) – but let me tell you –
humble pie is my main meal in life these days.
God has taught me things I never wanted to learn for sure and in that is
a walk of being able to hear other parents pain. We are not alone. Many don’t talk of it, many hide it – but I
find freedom with my God in owning it and sharing it. It isn’t a path I chose – it is the path God
leads me on. When I think it won’t end –
and I have said that so many times, I
feel the love of my church family reaching me, lifting me – the deacon that
calls, the Pastor who learns about prison visits for the first time, they are
walking with me. It takes courage to
keep going, but what choice do I have? I’m
made of strong Mennonite stuff with a faith embedded from the trials of
life. Walk on. If you are reading this and struggling – know
you too can do it.
Psalm 27:14 “Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, and he
shall strengthen thine heart, wait, I say, on the Lord.”
So when you see me next time….know, my odds just got better
today – but I’m still waiting on the jackpot. We might have a mudslide again,
but we’ll take the hands that hold out to us, pull our selves up and keep
waiting on the Lord.
1 comment:
Val, I am really bad at knowing what to say, I'm mostly a listener. I don't know that there is anything that I even could say to help with your pain. But what I want you to know is that I so admire you. I know things have been very difficult and yet here you are sharing your struggles, pouring out your heart and being honest about the journey that you are on right now. Thank you for your honesty and transparency. So often in this world we don't open up. We don't take the time to share our burdens or to help carry other people's burdens. And because of that I think we ALL miss out. I am often reminded of a song by Casting Crowns called Stained Glass Masquerade that reminds me so much of what you've shared that asks, "Are we happy plastic people under shiny plastic steeples with walls around our weakness and smiles that hide our pain?" I'm thankful that you choose to say "No, I want more than to pretend that everything is ok and I want to see what God does with that and through that." I pray that someday you can look back and say it was ALL worth it. That is my prayer for you. That you can find beauty in and through and because of this pain. Not only for yourself and your family but for others as well. While I was looking up the words to the song I quoted earlier I came across another song by the same group that has helped and comforted me so many times. I hope you can find comfort in it as well. https://youtu.be/yutmTFtalKs
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