Thursday, August 31, 2017

How Does One Begin Again....and Again....?

How do we begin again?  We aren't the same parents.  She isn't the same child.  Through some rapid happenings of a missing "child" who is by number not a child, but inside still very much one....we moved quickly to her returning home.  It wasn't an easy journey to get here, and the mixed emotions are everywhere for all involved.  
What God showed us is wrapped up nicely in my husband's poem:

Face of God

Just beyond our ideas
Of right and wrong, there is a field
It's on the edge of kindness
And courage. Like a magnet
It draws the seeker
Like a moth to the light.
It gathers each of us
Like the hen gathers her chicks.
A matrix, where all belong
And all begin to fit
Into the face of God.
When all are gathered
When God pulls us all together
We walk without fear
We live in truth.
Don't be afraid or alone
Come to the field
To the field just beyond
Our ideas of right and wrong
Comfort awaits those that mourn
Comfort in the face of God
Where all belong.
Where all are worthy
Where all are enough.
...don't wait
...complete the face of God.

cc~Steve Belknap~Author

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

The Poem of Grief

As we move through the 7 stages of grief over the “running away” of our adoptive daughter, I’ll share a few reflections and thoughts.  While I’m “stuck” mostly in the anger phase, I go back and forth between a few others as well.  For those of you that don’t know them, they are:

1.      Shock and Denial (we are way past this one)
2.      Pain and Guilt (pain, yes, guilt – no we’ve done our best!).
3.      Anger and Bargaining (I’m in Anger – no bargaining here.)
4.      Depression, reflection, (my husband has suffered the most in this area)
5.      The Upward Turn (I think we are close in this)
6.      Reconstruction & Working through it. (We’ve made gains here!)
7.      Acceptance and Love (I’m at acceptance but like to go back to anger too much).
So my husband shared with me some poetry he’s written as a part of his grieving process.  They showed me his intense pain in this process that is so different from my walk of processing this.  I’ll share one with you. 

Poem of Grief:  08-15

Hope once walked by my side
Never too far away
Sometimes laughing so hard
She begins to snort
Barely able to stop
Then snorts again
Until my eyes begin to leak
Then hope walked out
Not saying goodbye
Just left
Now in place of hope
An imaginary friend is there
Each place I used to see hope
I now see Despair
Despair is a close friend too
But she doesn’t snort
And she doesn’t laugh
I think She colors
My days blue
And sends me waves
Of anxiety
Then holds my hand
An’ makes my eyes leak too.
So, my friends and strangers – please pray as we still walk through these waters of reflection.  This death like experience is one that is taking time to overcome as we work to bid this relationship and loved one farewell.  

We continue to embrace life around us, the common thread of hope has emerged – we have hope and faith.  As long as there is hope, there is life.  

Thursday, August 17, 2017

Dropping off a piece of my heart....

Dropping of a piece of my heart…
Sunday evening we moved my middle son into college.  He is the first one to move away “properly” and first one to pursue an education after High School with a career in mind.  So proud of him on many levels, but – I didn’t anticipate my heart ache quite so much.  We have had a LOT of loss to say the least this past year, decade, whatever…

So, watching my grown up son move off – hit home in the heart zone.  While he isn’t terribly far – he isn’t right down the stairs, I can’t holler to get up, get a morning or evening hug as often either.  This is his time – his new path and journey and I’m so glad he has chosen the college he did and the path he is on.  He’s had his share of challenges, but when he wants something – he works so hard for it.  He’ll have some tough days and weeks ahead – he knows I’m only a phone call away.  I’m trusting God with this “child” who is a young man, that He will watch over him and keep him safe.

I’m hoping as the laundry piles up, that he might feel the urge to come home….that once in awhile he’ll miss his old folks called Mom & Dad.  But I’m also hoping he’ll embrace his new community with joy and vigor – making the best memories of college and making the best of friends as well.

How quickly we’ve gone from 4 to 2.  Grief with acceptance still overwhelms us on our daughter who has run off and doesn’t want anything to do with us.  However, we rise again – God has gently poked at our hearts to re-license for foster care.  I’m saying “Whoa God, we need a break – like a big one.”  But the nagging is there as He gently prods us.  We are looking into the classes we’ll have to take because of the years between our license – I think they could actually be healthy for us to re-take as a way to reconcile our foster to adopt journey – especially these rough waters we’ve been navigating.  So….who knows what or who the future will bring.  We are God’s tools – being open to him gives us peace and comfort as we trust His will for us – because, really, He is in control….not us. 

Putty in his hands….we surrender all.  

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