Friday, February 1, 2019

2019


2019 is off to an interesting start.  The boys are doing “better” per say, getting some maturity shining through and dealing with things in their lives on the legal end and personal end.  So I feel HOPE there.

C has asked that we not be in her life in 2019.  Okay.  Not okay.  I feel deep sadness on choices here that no one but God can reach. I’m not sure who wrote this – but I found this and it rings true “You cannot suffer the past or the future because they don’t exist. What you are suffering is your memory and your imagination.”  Nails it right on. I’ll just leave that right there. 
Little is doing good – growing and not so little.  Guiding through life’s challenges of bullies, how others perceive her with her learning disability and the social issues she faces as a result. I struggle to tone down my Mama Bear instincts, the fight in me is real.  Growing waters.  Busy with Ballet/Tap, Swim, Piano, Church and Volleyball keep us and her hopping.  Full life.

So 2019 – give it your best shot!  Hoping for more joy in regular moments, more recovery and learning to let go.

Friday, January 18, 2019

Stuck and Letting Go

We have this leaf that has been “stuck” for weeks in the crack of the sidewalk - symbolic in so many ways! No matter the wind, it doesn’t get free. We’ve watched it struggle- like a child. Sometimes no matter how much wind around, one can’t get free and fly until one chooses to be free. Would it have a better life if I freed it? Or would it get stuck again someplace else? I’m leaving this leaf to it’s free will. 

1 Peter 2:16 “Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but for living as servants of God.” 
That’s it.

Tuesday, August 21, 2018


We all wait in life.  Some wait for a cure to cancer/healing.  Some wait for life in a barren womb.  Some wait for a spouse.  Some wait for relief from depression.  Some wait for rest.  Some wait for peace.  Some wait for joy.  Some wait for rehabilitation. 

Some wait for the saving of a child.

That is me.  That is us. Pluralize it to “children.”

We know God is faithful and hears our prayers.  That he is good and loves us.  But lets get real here too – he allows pain, he allows war, sickness, sadness, addictions and so much more. 

When I pray – do I pray for unrealistic expectations?  Because the answers are short on coming.  Oh – there it is, me asking and expecting….not waiting.  Yes, I am an impatient person.  There, I’ve said it and admit it and own it.  But I still BELIEVE and have a strong faith in God – so I don’t mean to be impatient.  But I am.
God delivers in his timing – so my trust needs to remain.  This road is long.  Recently I told a father who watched in awe at all the normal developmental things his child did, “it goes fast – it isn’t a lie.”  So why can’t this road go fast?  I want the ending….the happily ever after ending….

I want to tell God “look, you’ve grown us way more that we thought possible – so let’s just take a remission here, right now.”  I feel like Charlie Brown with Lucy holding the football – we go running up, ready for a life touchdown – but swoosh – God pulls the football away like Lucy and we land on our backs staring at the sky wondering why this happened again.
 
I’ll just say, right now I’m feeling on top for getting to a 50/50 percentage on my kids.  Given one is only 11 – reality is I’m at 33.3%. Of what you ask?  In launching them to responsible, decent adulthood.  Not God serving – yet, but more self sufficient, employed and legal.  Sadness hits me as I realize those words.  But….I have to find my joy where I can, so I’m sticking with it. 

I’m waiting on the Lord, not allowing these trials to seep into a bitterness or hopelessness of life.  I’ll let you know, that isn’t easy. I heard myself actually giving God 4 years to get the job done.  Tought stuff especially when 50% of your kiddos are sitting in jail and it could easily be 75%!  I lived those days of sadness. Some days are still very sad.  Sometimes in the dark walk I’d try bargaining and bribing – but that doesn’t work.  So God lifts me and holds me and continues to help me to rely on his strength, not my own, but His to carry me on this walk.

Some days I marvel that I can even hold my head up in the community I live in (yes I’ve thought about moving!) – but let me tell you – humble pie is my main meal in life these days.  God has taught me things I never wanted to learn for sure and in that is a walk of being able to hear other parents pain.  We are not alone.  Many don’t talk of it, many hide it – but I find freedom with my God in owning it and sharing it.  It isn’t a path I chose – it is the path God leads me on.  When I think it won’t end – and I have said that so many times,  I feel the love of my church family reaching me, lifting me – the deacon that calls, the Pastor who learns about prison visits for the first time, they are walking with me.  It takes courage to keep going, but what choice do I have?  I’m made of strong Mennonite stuff with a faith embedded from the trials of life.  Walk on.  If you are reading this and struggling – know you too can do it. 

Psalm 27:14 “Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart, wait, I say, on the Lord.”

So when you see me next time….know, my odds just got better today – but I’m still waiting on the jackpot. We might have a mudslide again, but we’ll take the hands that hold out to us, pull our selves up and keep waiting on the Lord.

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