Friday, November 10, 2017


Sometimes, strength is gently
letting go of things and watching
them float away in the wind.   The Better Man Project

We've released two of our children - so many emotions.  But, it is a good thing.  It is a needed thing.  We pray they fly......float on down and be well.

And with this adjustment comes some peace, finding once again ourselves lost in the layers we've held to for our sanity and safe keeping.  Giving back 10 fold to the two yet in the home,  finding a joy within that can come out to play now, that was held so close.  Learning to laugh again so hard that it feels foreign and to know it is a good thing for it's return.

As I sat listening to the newest pianist play the keys in the house, a sense of contentment filled long it lasts, it floats away with every new challenge that rises, but I tasted my old friend and welcome it back.  I know it will return again.  It is still there, waiting as the waters rise and we go again.

Ah, life...swift and strong we move along.  Around and round we go....
We cling to the things
That make us bleed
Because we'd rather
Feel the pain
In the familiar
Than the peace
In the unknown.

Wednesday, November 1, 2017


Why must you flee
Why can't you stay
Why not try harder
To live a safe way?

Why must you flee
Why can't you pray
Why not live scripture
To help you to stay?

Why must you flee
Why can't you see
Why not let us help you
To healthier be?

Why must you flee
Why can't your pain heal
Why not give in
To a warm consistent meal?

Why must you flee
Why can't you breathe
Why not plant roots
To a love you won't grieve?

Why must you flee
Why can't staying help
Why not listen deeply
To a home you have felt?

Why must you flee
Why can't the running stop
Why not sit still
To a love you can't top?

Why must you flee?


Tuesday, October 10, 2017

May The Lord Keep You...

Our eldest daughter, embracing her “I’m 18 and you can’t control me” ran off with a guy she’d met on Snapchat but had never physically met – to live her life, hours away from us, dropping out of her senior year with only 2 months to go… run away once more….pursuing her life the way she thinks she wants, to a small town with a population of 400…..because he told her he had a ring….and to run is easier that to serve the ISS she received for cyberbullying a good friend of hers and finish school. Which only lasted one night then she ran again, next fix someplace else, on the run forever more......lost and lonely because she won't listen or accept or get the help she needs. 

Our parental pain is one of sadness like a loss you can’t ever find closure to.  This isn’t what we’d hoped or dreamed, but we did sign up for it.  My self pity goes like this:  I’ll no longer hear her laughter at my bad jokes, no companion to do those mother/daughter things, no winter formal or prom dress shopping, no choral concerts to attend, no graduation to dream and prepare, just a voided emptiness where once a high school senior existed.  No hugs. No too many things to list…. Many milestones not achieved from basics of drivers or a job – it just didn’t come together.

So, my husband who seems to be handling this better than me this time, reminded me we have unconventional children – things don’t often go as planned, their journey is unique from others, they don’t follow the common path. 

We have loved.  We have stood even through the worst of times and we stand still. 

Many suffer.  We suffer. While I want to understand, I don’t.  The face of mental illness is real – I see so many depressed children – as a society we don’t have the answers yet or the plans to help.  1 in 5 are affected by mental illness each year.  It is hard to get them to accept the help they need.  Especially when they are 18 and “in control” yet so out of control.

A close friend recently sent me this reminder - it had to be from the 90's and I loved her memory as it grounded me once again:   I remember years ago you and I were sitting on the bleachers at a softball game, and you told me you and Steve were looking into fostering to adopt.  You also told me that you were looking at it as a mission to help save some children from bad childhoods.  You said you knew you'd get children with problems but that was what went with fostering children.  You have certainly accomplished this mission in the older three and Sophia is still a work in progress.  Your kids have had a great childhood but they don't yet realize nor appreciate all that.  Most kids don't really appreciate a good childhood until they become parents.

She went on to give me needed advice:  When we first started coming a Pastor Abe preached a sermon on parents should not blame themselves if their grown children make decisions the parents didn't like because when the children become adults they are responsible for their own decisions. He said something like that and it made me think how we can tell the kids what's right and wrong but in the end they make their own decisions and they have to live with those decisions.  Parenting isn't easy and we can only do the best that we can.  You have been great parents and the kids have wonderful experiences to reflect back on.  We are praying for you and your family.  "With God nothing is impossible."  God's timing is never wrong.  We'll keep praying and expect great things!

So.  We journey on. We remain in our mission.  We wish her well and that she knows we will always be who we are, here for her as her adoptive parents only wanting the best for her….so…I lift up this blessing and prayer…

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