Thursday, April 20, 2017

Domestic Violence - not what you think...

Domestic Violence – the purple ribbon.  
Married over 33 years, survived infertility, cancer, domestic violence.  If you, like me think that happens to OTHER people, and usually the husband beating the wife, classic alcohol or drugs involved.  Let me share a nasty secret with you – we’ve been living with it in our home for 8 years from a child of ours.

When we adopted after 16 years of infertility, so happy for two boys, then 10 years later we added two girls, an infant and 10-year-old.  We knew the going would be rougher with the older daughter, given her past.  Our ideals of “love conquers all” have been dashed, but it hasn’t stopped us from trying to stop the train either.  Mental health supports up the ying yang, church connections, positive mentors, medication, psych testing, love, grace, 70x7 – we’ve done it all – reading books, listening to parenting CD’s….you name it, we’ve battled this demon of violence to the point we have seriously lost the ability to parent this child.  Manipulative, controlling, unwilling to obey the simplest of parenting requests like “brush your teeth please.” Nothing.  UNLESS she is in the mood.  Moods.  We are controlled by them.  And victimized by violence with anger.  It sets off at any time, unknown to us what tiny thing is the tipping point.

Scars on our bodies to show the pain we’ve endured, silently feeling like failure parents. Verbal abuse abounds on us emotionally as well.  Unable to find any discipline that works - time outs used, doors off for slamming, consequences for actions – some natural, some applied when we are able, lost privileges….   Nothing has beat this demon.  Christian boarding school – only to be expelled for – guess what – violence to staff.  This was a turning point for me as I realized it wasn’t just me.  I took on so much blame for not being a good enough Mom.  This time, it wasn’t me being physically hurt – yet emotionally saddened that she continues to harm others besides us – worry for her future relationships, children… do you stop a moving train?

Studies on RAD, lower brain stem rage, PTSD, we know it – but it doesn’t stop it.  She’s had 10 years of therapy – she knows WHAT to do, but if you don’t use it – what good is it?  The skills knowledge is there for her, she knows it – but refuses to use it when needed.

So, welcome 18.  She’d been told what would come if she continued with her ways.  A hurt adult, chairs thrown, pictures smashed and knocked over furniture,….the 911 call that changed her future came.  Jail time.  Bond.  72hrs away.  Felony or Misdemeanor still to be determined….court date.

We’ve always had a safety plan for the other children to get them away when the violence comes.  We try to get away, often trapped or having to intervene to get the others safely away from harm. They know what to do – where to go.  The boys get so angry at her and want to “get” involved, we’ve remained adamant it doesn’t and can’t involve them – get away, keep the little one safe. Our youngest cries and doesn’t understand and this last time cried when she knew she was coming home and wanted to sleep in our room to feel safe.  For one of my sons, I see the quiet way he deals with his anger, getting back in unhealthy ways we’ve had to counsel as well.  It isn’t easy on the other children either.  They too are victims.  It is hard for us as parents who are still trying to make a difference!

It hurts when people say to me how they just don’t see this in her – she is such a sweet nice girl, they “can’t imagine”, implying we are liars and she doesn’t act that way with them…..walk in my shoes people. It isn’t just us – we’ve learned this.  History speaks for itself. She won’t just show these demons to anyone.  It is like two or more different people live inside her….

So, we are committed to seeing her through school. One more year after this one.  She is in this hard time of spring with year end which causes her such instability.  She is confused and doesn’t know what she wants to do.  One day she is running away, the next day she talks of future events with us.  We never know…..but one day, she will fly on her own and we will restore peace…one day, I pray her demon of violence leaves her and this last jail stay will be her only jail stay.  One day. So, pray with me.  I’m so tired of this journey, but I’m committed despite feeling hopeless and wanting to give up like everyone in her past did….I find my courage and go again…praying this time, the violence stays away longer, and longer until it is no more.  

Idealistic to the end.  John 1:5

Friday, March 10, 2017

Reading. The Struggle is Real.

LD. Learning Disabled.  The label. The problem:  Reading.  She is SOOO smart, sensitive, caring and bright.  But READING is her most difficult task.  I must admit, this one gets me, I ache when I read with her – listening to her dissect EACH word, struggling so hard.  I die on the inside because I just want to help, but I know I can’t….giving her the words is the “cheat” she looks for me to do….I have to bite my tongue and NOT give in to the easiness of doing that.  She must learn on her own – how to break apart the word, and say EACH syllable separately to bring the word together.  It can happen quickly or agonizingly take minutes which feels like foever.  She can know it on one page and struggle with it a few sentences down…..the struggle is real.  This journey she must take, but sometimes I wish it was a little more fair and that she could read with fluency like she wants to soo bad. 

We’ve completed months of vision therapy, it has helped, but the corner isn’t turned completely – so we work on and on. 

So, doing nothing to help her is the hardest thing I have to do as a parent.  I sit there, and bite my tongue to not give in to telling her the words.  This, is our reading world with this precious child of God, created by Him – beautifully 9 and 3rd grade….

I pray for the patience to keep pushing the right amount – to wait and watch, hoping for that day she can sit and read a chapter book to herself like she sees her big sister doing…..and know that her love for books can be attained by her reading to herself.  Her night time ritual is Daddy reading chapter books to her – she demands it, waits for him if he is late….it is a ritual she has had for years.  Then I swoop in, read a short devotional to her and get all the cuddle, snuggle, tucking done… baby, my little girl is growing up…..but the ritual stays the same.  We've read to her since she was a baby....daily.

So, pray with me – lift her up as we work and work on the reading piece in her life.  The teacher / para support is awesome at school and we’ll hire the summer tutor again as well – time, practice and patience as it comes slowly…..God’s timing – always perfect, right?

Monday, January 30, 2017

My Bestie

My bestie....

She and I have lunch every week as much as possible.  She is my venting partner in life - I vent joys and sorrows as does she and we are THERE for each other, in the good times and bad.  God blessed me greatly when he placed Dawn in my life as a dear friend.  We "get" each other and accept each other for our limitations.  I'm almost 5' 11" and she is very short.  We go together like total opposites - but the glue of friendship holds us strong.  We do have many things in common too - and over 33 years of friendship allows for much laughter and tears.

I couldn't be prouder of her and her accomplishments.  Here is the latest that has hit the local papers:

She sums up so much of what society is missing - we need more of this mentality:  "Growing up, being a different person, I've learned that you don't judge the book by its cover."

Her words rang true even more so this past weekend.  I shared with her as her article in the news hits the local towns this very lesson hit home for me this weekend.

My eldest son, intentionally drove his first car, a gift from us to use - super hard and blew the engine, then boasted to his friends about all the way he drove it.  In our parental outrage, we didn't let him drive any of our other vehicles and said that was it - buy your own vehicle.  Long story - lots happened as he pulled away from church, made poor choices in his life.....until God returned him back into our nest and informed us despite him being 19 we aren't done with him yet.  So, the often rude, cussing young man came home and we began helping him, encouraging him to get / keep and find work, save money and not spend it all (ongoing) and that we'd help him buy/find a vehicle he'd use until he paid us for it.  So, learning a lot of grace and give/take, we found a mini-van that he amazingly wanted, loaded, older, hadn't moved much in 6 months.  I sent him off on Saturday to have the tires checked due to a low front passenger side tire.  On his way back home, the vehicle's steering quit and he pulled into a parking lot as it died.  "Great" - he thought I'd be angry at him - wrecking another yet vehicle that he promised he'd be nice to this time.   I was busy doing the 100 plus things I save for weekends, moving my mountains on a schedule to get it done....and he calls, telling me of the vehicle woes, not impressed but he needed my help so baking bread and laundry had to wait..  I headed out to him - 20 minutes away, expecting we'd have to get the vehicle towed, thinking of costs we don't need at this time in expensive repairs - my son was worried I was going to yell at him (yes, I do yell from time to time!).  But I was calm - he thought he knew what part was needed, I told him to use his smart phone smartly and find the part and it's cost.

I picked him up, he showed me the serpentine belt that was ruined, we headed to an automotive shop, found the part, rented the tool we'd need and returned to the vehicle which was parked in front of a Hooka Lounge, no less.  Turns out through Anthony's social snap chatting, his friend's Dad was at that very lounge.  He came out and introduced himself and said he could help us get the new belt on.

He is an army mechanic, had worked on many vans like the broken one at a dealership and knew just what to do.  It wasn't an easy job by far.  The motor was quite tightly placed, the man got dirty, cut his hand and told my son how to help him get the new belt on.  45 minutes later, the job was done and he'd literally saved us 100's of $.  I was so humbled by his help, he didn't have to do this.  He was a kind man and when I tried to give him money, he simply asked that we pay it forward.  Wow, it could have been so easy to judge this man from his appearance - but the kindness that poured from his soul, mouth and eyes amazed and humbled me. We talked and got to know each other a little in those 45 minutes. I learned about a caring man who's daughter was my son's friend and that in itself was enough for him to help us.  He told me some of his life.  I listened amazed.

As we all got going and I drove home, I prayed to God thanking him for this stranger who took time to help us.  That we shouldn't judge books by their covers and everyone around us is created by God and loved by Him - this example was that very reminder that sometimes we get so busy in life we forget or don't take the time for people near and around us.  It is hard to verbalize the exchange that took place in all this for me.  With all the recent media bashing, hate, crime in our area and worldwide - kindness prevailed right in front of me. We don't have too far to look for good around us - the reminder that it is there!

My son kept saying over and over he thought I'd be mad at him.  I told him over and over I was proud of him for knowing how to stop, find the part and the help.  His resources amazed me....and I was not angry at all.  A growing time for both of us.

The good Samaritan lived out before us.  I'm always more of the one to help the others - so this was humbling to be the one on the roadside needing the help.  A perspective needed to grow.

So - pay it forward folks.  Pay it forward....I know I will.

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