Tuesday, August 21, 2018

We all wait in life.  Some wait for a cure to cancer/healing.  Some wait for life in a barren womb.  Some wait for a spouse.  Some wait for relief from depression.  Some wait for rest.  Some wait for peace.  Some wait for joy.  Some wait for rehabilitation. 

Some wait for the saving of a child.

That is me.  That is us. Pluralize it to “children.”

We know God is faithful and hears our prayers.  That he is good and loves us.  But lets get real here too – he allows pain, he allows war, sickness, sadness, addictions and so much more. 

When I pray – do I pray for unrealistic expectations?  Because the answers are short on coming.  Oh – there it is, me asking and expecting….not waiting.  Yes, I am an impatient person.  There, I’ve said it and admit it and own it.  But I still BELIEVE and have a strong faith in God – so I don’t mean to be impatient.  But I am.
God delivers in his timing – so my trust needs to remain.  This road is long.  Recently I told a father who watched in awe at all the normal developmental things his child did, “it goes fast – it isn’t a lie.”  So why can’t this road go fast?  I want the ending….the happily ever after ending….

I want to tell God “look, you’ve grown us way more that we thought possible – so let’s just take a remission here, right now.”  I feel like Charlie Brown with Lucy holding the football – we go running up, ready for a life touchdown – but swoosh – God pulls the football away like Lucy and we land on our backs staring at the sky wondering why this happened again.
I’ll just say, right now I’m feeling on top for getting to a 50/50 percentage on my kids.  Given one is only 11 – reality is I’m at 33.3%. Of what you ask?  In launching them to responsible, decent adulthood.  Not God serving – yet, but more self sufficient, employed and legal.  Sadness hits me as I realize those words.  But….I have to find my joy where I can, so I’m sticking with it. 

I’m waiting on the Lord, not allowing these trials to seep into a bitterness or hopelessness of life.  I’ll let you know, that isn’t easy. I heard myself actually giving God 4 years to get the job done.  Tought stuff especially when 50% of your kiddos are sitting in jail and it could easily be 75%!  I lived those days of sadness. Some days are still very sad.  Sometimes in the dark walk I’d try bargaining and bribing – but that doesn’t work.  So God lifts me and holds me and continues to help me to rely on his strength, not my own, but His to carry me on this walk.

Some days I marvel that I can even hold my head up in the community I live in (yes I’ve thought about moving!) – but let me tell you – humble pie is my main meal in life these days.  God has taught me things I never wanted to learn for sure and in that is a walk of being able to hear other parents pain.  We are not alone.  Many don’t talk of it, many hide it – but I find freedom with my God in owning it and sharing it.  It isn’t a path I chose – it is the path God leads me on.  When I think it won’t end – and I have said that so many times,  I feel the love of my church family reaching me, lifting me – the deacon that calls, the Pastor who learns about prison visits for the first time, they are walking with me.  It takes courage to keep going, but what choice do I have?  I’m made of strong Mennonite stuff with a faith embedded from the trials of life.  Walk on.  If you are reading this and struggling – know you too can do it. 

Psalm 27:14 “Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart, wait, I say, on the Lord.”

So when you see me next time….know, my odds just got better today – but I’m still waiting on the jackpot. We might have a mudslide again, but we’ll take the hands that hold out to us, pull our selves up and keep waiting on the Lord.

Thursday, May 17, 2018

Self Care. It's Time.

My hubby and I have been working on short and long term goals.  We’ve a few.  One other thing as we’ve processed the grief of older teens leaving home and a smaller home base, and our accident and recovery from the drunk driver who hit us back in March with a stolen vehicle…..we need to focus on ourselves a little. 

Parents are notorious (or should be?) for sacrificing oneself for the good of the kids/family all too often.  We in no way plan to neglect our last in the nest, but we do plan to take better care of ourselves physically and emotionally so we can be the best parents to her as well.

In the hustle of raising the first crew that has left the mother ship, we often did sacrifice things for ourselves more than we probably should have.  So now is our time.  Not to embrace selfishness – but to embrace self-love for the health of ALL of us.  Phew, this may be harder than I thought, but also exciting to recover ourselves a little.

So, the lists are being made….cups are going to get filled.  I may have to say “no” still – but for the right reason of self recovery from a long journey that I’m still resting from.  I have to stop the horse from running home, like I did when I was a teen riding with my Dad and he taught me the horses want to run home, but don’t let them….hold them back.  He was right and it was a training thing for life as well.  Sometimes I over-involve because I’m “back” feeling good and ready to put my energy to use all over the place….so I’m going to work on pulling back the reins and going home slower….savor the little moments and find myself in a better place. 

I’m ready for this journey now. 

Friday, May 11, 2018

Pain at Graduation

The reception room was cancelled long ago.

The caters cancelled long ago.

The new decorations themed “Oh the Places You’ll Go” are boxed and stored.

The Tervis Dr Suess cup I’d ordered as her gift, I drink from myself with “Oh the Places You’ll Go” on it and I do it to torture myself – sipping my water thinking of all the places she can’t go and won’t go.  Sarcasm seeps into me and I want to cite “Oh the people you’ve screwed” in my best Dr Suess voice.

Clearly this season holds pain for me and my husband as the grad invites rolled in – we are happy for those that we’ll support on this special day – but the pain of it isn’t lost on us. 

Disappointment seeps through me – we can’t force our kids to do anything once they turn 18.  They are free in their choices.  Sucks when they then play the victim and blame others for their choices….no one wins, no one wins.
Like the Kindergartners who site their career goals – I hear the memories of dreams not achieved as life goes on.  We tried.  We gave it our best.  God created us to have a will and a choice.  She’s made hers.

So, I’ll watch with some inner agony – it’s just another day….right?  I can make it. 

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~ Dr Suess

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