Thursday, May 17, 2018

Self Care. It's Time.

My hubby and I have been working on short and long term goals.  We’ve a few.  One other thing as we’ve processed the grief of older teens leaving home and a smaller home base, and our accident and recovery from the drunk driver who hit us back in March with a stolen vehicle…..we need to focus on ourselves a little. 

Parents are notorious (or should be?) for sacrificing oneself for the good of the kids/family all too often.  We in no way plan to neglect our last in the nest, but we do plan to take better care of ourselves physically and emotionally so we can be the best parents to her as well.

In the hustle of raising the first crew that has left the mother ship, we often did sacrifice things for ourselves more than we probably should have.  So now is our time.  Not to embrace selfishness – but to embrace self-love for the health of ALL of us.  Phew, this may be harder than I thought, but also exciting to recover ourselves a little.

So, the lists are being made….cups are going to get filled.  I may have to say “no” still – but for the right reason of self recovery from a long journey that I’m still resting from.  I have to stop the horse from running home, like I did when I was a teen riding with my Dad and he taught me the horses want to run home, but don’t let them….hold them back.  He was right and it was a training thing for life as well.  Sometimes I over-involve because I’m “back” feeling good and ready to put my energy to use all over the place….so I’m going to work on pulling back the reins and going home slower….savor the little moments and find myself in a better place. 

I’m ready for this journey now. 

Friday, May 11, 2018

Pain at Graduation

The reception room was cancelled long ago.

The caters cancelled long ago.

The new decorations themed “Oh the Places You’ll Go” are boxed and stored.

The Tervis Dr Suess cup I’d ordered as her gift, I drink from myself with “Oh the Places You’ll Go” on it and I do it to torture myself – sipping my water thinking of all the places she can’t go and won’t go.  Sarcasm seeps into me and I want to cite “Oh the people you’ve screwed” in my best Dr Suess voice.

Clearly this season holds pain for me and my husband as the grad invites rolled in – we are happy for those that we’ll support on this special day – but the pain of it isn’t lost on us. 

Disappointment seeps through me – we can’t force our kids to do anything once they turn 18.  They are free in their choices.  Sucks when they then play the victim and blame others for their choices….no one wins, no one wins.
Like the Kindergartners who site their career goals – I hear the memories of dreams not achieved as life goes on.  We tried.  We gave it our best.  God created us to have a will and a choice.  She’s made hers.

So, I’ll watch with some inner agony – it’s just another day….right?  I can make it. 

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~ Dr Suess

Monday, May 7, 2018

It Feels Okay....

I was reading an article, trying to get my brain to grasp onto things and find that peace / healing I need in our adoption journey to date, especially of the older ones.  I think if feels at times for me that we give and give – expecting a positive result that doesn’t and can’t come.  Patterns we desire to break – don’t seem to be breaking but falling to genetics of generations, giving us a sadness that our journey of change didn’t imprint as much as we’d hoped.  Learning to stop at times and find ways to fill our cups and restore ourselves has had to become a priority or we’ll have nothing good left for the last in the nest.

She, little who isn’t little anymore,  is growing up and struggling with her realm of the changed family – siblings gone, she misses them and the activity they brought.  One came to support her in her piano recital – that was so nice.  So I see the bonds there and holding which gives me hope.  Maybe it is taking joy in more baby steps when I want those longer strides and testing my patience to see the smaller miracles.

As we’ve watched with ongoing surprise and not surprise, the phones ring, the problems continue.  But they reach for us – they know we are strong and there.  Collect calls from the prison jail, while they find humorous, saddens me but reassures me they know who to call.  Maybe they needed my voice to know I’m still there, the Mom that raised them and feels she can scold them yet loves them so unconditionally despite it all.  I found a message that said “Dear kids, Sorry I yell.  In my defense, you were acting like a bunch of psychos.”  So true…..

Just in the time of typing this a son called to let me know of more law altercations.  I remind him it might be time to find new friends.   No, I won’t bond out his friends.  **sigh**   And a quick more to a new place with no appliances – not thought out – yah for garage sale season saving the weekend on a fridge and stove score!

Spring is moving quickly to warm summer temps – I’m planting my pots with lovely flowers that give me joy yet make me miss my “Oma” and visiting the home farm to see my Mom’s flowers as well.  My genetics are there too – ones I embrace and am not happy with – we are creatures of history, genetics and patterns that follow us in life.

Hard times are consistently here it seems, but so is Jesus Christ.  I need to hold to my faith and know that this journey is one he walks with us and gives us strength, refills our cups and leads us on into that unknown future. We’ve set some new home short and long term goals.  One day at a time, one journey at a time– meanwhile, the grief of the older ones departing is replacing with a gentle peace breeze and we are settling into our new dynamics of a family of 3 in the house – and it feels okay…..yes, it feels okay. 

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