Thursday, December 31, 2015

When Your Child Tries To Commit Suicide

When you child tries to commit suicide….here are some emotions and conclusions you may feel or experience….I know I have felt them…
  • ·      Guilty.  You may feel guilty….even when it wasn’t YOU that made your child try to kill themselves, the guilt will swamp you. 
  • ·        “Why” questions will assault you – why didn’t I see the signs, why, why, why??? Hind sight is 20/20.
  • ·        You will never feel the same way about your child and life again… will be very changed.
  • ·        You will feel like people look at you and say “what is so bad in your home that she would do that?”  It is the feeling of guilt again. It goes with your shock of “Not my kid” thinking – but it can happen to anyone. Nothing YOU did or said pushed that edge…   
  • ·        You will learn all her close friends feel guilty too….and other family members.
  • ·        You will hopefully realize, suicide is a selfish act – it was their choice, but involves and affects you forever.
  • ·        There is no way to erase it or ignore the cry for help, you HAVE to do what is right for them…and that is hard, very hard….it will tear you to your core when you walk away from the Psychiatric unit….but they need to be there to get the right help. Don’t just try to go on like it didn’t happen.
Some flowers bloom bright, while others around us suffer and dim as the bugs of life eat at them…

Teen suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death among adolescents.  It is the 2nd leading cause among college aged youth as well.  Kids generally are not in crisis, however, mine was and is always – emotional crisis.

As a parent, you’ll ask “what can you do?  Watch for the warning signs of suicide….even if they give you facts like “It takes 52 pills to kill yourself” – despite when asked “are you thinking of doing that?” and they answer no, it is an early warning sign.  Also, watch for changes in their behaviors.  Friends notice it too – more withdrawn at school from friends, more anger, mood swings.  The internet – watch what your kids do and say….we learned soo much dark stuff AFTER the fact we had no idea about.  Despite supporting mental health services and reporting these things, it still wasn’t enough for us to stop the attempt she made.  Opportunity came knocking at a crisis for another family member, which was the open door that was used.  When her coping skills were being challenged and not met – it was the tipping scale in the cry for help.

Lucky.  I do feel lucky.  Lucky that it was a cry for help that was caught and the attempt failed.  Lucky is a word I don’t care for – definitely God had his hand over our family as we found her the help needed and once you are on this path….there is no turning back.  Sometimes I think the idea was planted by someone else, but the truth is she acted alone, it was her choice, hers alone.

Just like drugs or alcohol use – you have to talk to your kids about suicide….so if you are reading this and are a parent….talk to your kids today…..let them know there are other ways to get help.  Suicide is a desperate act by someone who is in intense pain and want their pain to stop.  Over 90% of people who die by suicide have a mental illness at the time of their death, they simply are not thinking clearly.

Worry – I have worry, can she safely come home and not hurt herself again?  How can we continue to monitor her in trusting ways again?  She is angry at the ongoing support we’ve put in place.  It is like the 7 stages of grief watching her process her treatment now. But without this path, healing can’t come to the level of this professional resource is needed…it is right in fighting to give her the best that we can in all areas of life. In this journey we continue – we ask for your prayers and not your judgement. Until you’ve walked this walk, you don’t know….I see friends, I know they don’t know what to say – no one does. 

Last post of the year - while dark, I do have HOPE - that we all Hold On & Pain Ends.  

So - bring on 2016 I'm so done with 2015.....

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Quiet Equals Pain

No, I haven’t been writing or blogging… quiet equals my pain.  SOO much has been happening that to purge it here would be to regurgitate it in ways I can’t even begin….because it is complex and deep.  Someday maybe, but for now, I’m trying to keep going, keep going, keep going…head up, head up, head up…, smile, smile….love, love love….one day at a time, one day at a time, one day at a time…

I’ve experienced and done things in the last 30 days no mother ever wants to do or experience.  Some days my world was so big and my existence so small….I wondered if God was still near me.  My faith has been rocked to its core – and I have come out stronger, weaker and more aware of God’s great presence in my life as He shows me over and over my journey with my husband of 32 years along my side is our destiny of mission work.  At a very weak moment, I felt the very presence of God with my husband – knowing that together we’d make it.  Such a powerful moment that in words sounds simplistic and unreal – but it wasn’t and it moved me to a strength I needed.

Friends and family don’t understand usually….they marvel at the trials we’ve been experiencing and some simply have no clue.  It is hard to explain, and I’ve definitely asked God the “why?” questions.  But to be able to cope, I have to take one breath at a time, get up every day, one step in front of the other and survive what is thrown at me.  Sounds simple….but it isn’t always.  Our church Pastor and a church Deacon keeping in touch, offering support – people ask what they can do – to be honest, prayers are what we need the most – there is power in prayer, and we have already seen many prayers answered.  Our faith carries us on, reminding us our Christian walk is hard on the narrow path – life is tough, but so are we.  We’ll get through these trials and be stronger for it.
People think I’m not a very empathetic person – but the truth is, I am but it hurts so much, you aren’t going to see it unless you are very close, to be able to smell the garlic on my breath close…..only to my heart.

A painful part of my life these past weeks was mailing out our Christmas cards – usually a most joyous event for me – showing my lovely family to the world and feeling blessed beyond measure…..that feeling returned last night, despite just days before feeling like those cards as such a front and lie – that if you’d open the flaps you’d see all the ugliness, sin and hurt in our lives.  It has been a symbolic measure for me to send them, knowing that many people around me may look like they have it all together, but really, deep inside is pain, suffering and hurt.  

Last night, as my family came together in hugs and tears….I felt a glimmer of that greater hope again, knowing we’ve a long road ahead, I felt God’s direction once more saying, peace, it will come. We have held fast in the storm, we have suffered to return to a new wholeness, knowing that we will never be the same as a result.  We will be stronger for the next crash of waves – for they will come…

We remain committed to our mission field, right in our own home….daily walking in the Lord to continue with his calling in our life.  I know, we could have ignored him over the years and we’d be selfishly living a life without 4 children that needed God warrior parents, fighting for them in every aspect we can and are able to….making that difference in their lives.  Even when it feels like out boat is sinking, God blows the sails and keeps us afloat, we are walking on the water holding hands with Jesus – knowing that through the love we’ve received we have a hope that is bigger than our pain.  

Ephesians 1:5  He predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ.  In accordance with his pleasure and will.

Merry Christmas!

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