Thursday, December 31, 2015

When Your Child Tries To Commit Suicide

When you child tries to commit suicide….here are some emotions and conclusions you may feel or experience….I know I have felt them…
  • ·      Guilty.  You may feel guilty….even when it wasn’t YOU that made your child try to kill themselves, the guilt will swamp you. 
  • ·        “Why” questions will assault you – why didn’t I see the signs, why, why, why??? Hind sight is 20/20.
  • ·        You will never feel the same way about your child and life again… will be very changed.
  • ·        You will feel like people look at you and say “what is so bad in your home that she would do that?”  It is the feeling of guilt again. It goes with your shock of “Not my kid” thinking – but it can happen to anyone. Nothing YOU did or said pushed that edge…   
  • ·        You will learn all her close friends feel guilty too….and other family members.
  • ·        You will hopefully realize, suicide is a selfish act – it was their choice, but involves and affects you forever.
  • ·        There is no way to erase it or ignore the cry for help, you HAVE to do what is right for them…and that is hard, very hard….it will tear you to your core when you walk away from the Psychiatric unit….but they need to be there to get the right help. Don’t just try to go on like it didn’t happen.
Some flowers bloom bright, while others around us suffer and dim as the bugs of life eat at them…

Teen suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death among adolescents.  It is the 2nd leading cause among college aged youth as well.  Kids generally are not in crisis, however, mine was and is always – emotional crisis.

As a parent, you’ll ask “what can you do?  Watch for the warning signs of suicide….even if they give you facts like “It takes 52 pills to kill yourself” – despite when asked “are you thinking of doing that?” and they answer no, it is an early warning sign.  Also, watch for changes in their behaviors.  Friends notice it too – more withdrawn at school from friends, more anger, mood swings.  The internet – watch what your kids do and say….we learned soo much dark stuff AFTER the fact we had no idea about.  Despite supporting mental health services and reporting these things, it still wasn’t enough for us to stop the attempt she made.  Opportunity came knocking at a crisis for another family member, which was the open door that was used.  When her coping skills were being challenged and not met – it was the tipping scale in the cry for help.

Lucky.  I do feel lucky.  Lucky that it was a cry for help that was caught and the attempt failed.  Lucky is a word I don’t care for – definitely God had his hand over our family as we found her the help needed and once you are on this path….there is no turning back.  Sometimes I think the idea was planted by someone else, but the truth is she acted alone, it was her choice, hers alone.

Just like drugs or alcohol use – you have to talk to your kids about suicide….so if you are reading this and are a parent….talk to your kids today…..let them know there are other ways to get help.  Suicide is a desperate act by someone who is in intense pain and want their pain to stop.  Over 90% of people who die by suicide have a mental illness at the time of their death, they simply are not thinking clearly.

Worry – I have worry, can she safely come home and not hurt herself again?  How can we continue to monitor her in trusting ways again?  She is angry at the ongoing support we’ve put in place.  It is like the 7 stages of grief watching her process her treatment now. But without this path, healing can’t come to the level of this professional resource is needed…it is right in fighting to give her the best that we can in all areas of life. In this journey we continue – we ask for your prayers and not your judgement. Until you’ve walked this walk, you don’t know….I see friends, I know they don’t know what to say – no one does. 

Last post of the year - while dark, I do have HOPE - that we all Hold On & Pain Ends.  

So - bring on 2016 I'm so done with 2015.....

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Quiet Equals Pain

No, I haven’t been writing or blogging… quiet equals my pain.  SOO much has been happening that to purge it here would be to regurgitate it in ways I can’t even begin….because it is complex and deep.  Someday maybe, but for now, I’m trying to keep going, keep going, keep going…head up, head up, head up…, smile, smile….love, love love….one day at a time, one day at a time, one day at a time…

I’ve experienced and done things in the last 30 days no mother ever wants to do or experience.  Some days my world was so big and my existence so small….I wondered if God was still near me.  My faith has been rocked to its core – and I have come out stronger, weaker and more aware of God’s great presence in my life as He shows me over and over my journey with my husband of 32 years along my side is our destiny of mission work.  At a very weak moment, I felt the very presence of God with my husband – knowing that together we’d make it.  Such a powerful moment that in words sounds simplistic and unreal – but it wasn’t and it moved me to a strength I needed.

Friends and family don’t understand usually….they marvel at the trials we’ve been experiencing and some simply have no clue.  It is hard to explain, and I’ve definitely asked God the “why?” questions.  But to be able to cope, I have to take one breath at a time, get up every day, one step in front of the other and survive what is thrown at me.  Sounds simple….but it isn’t always.  Our church Pastor and a church Deacon keeping in touch, offering support – people ask what they can do – to be honest, prayers are what we need the most – there is power in prayer, and we have already seen many prayers answered.  Our faith carries us on, reminding us our Christian walk is hard on the narrow path – life is tough, but so are we.  We’ll get through these trials and be stronger for it.
People think I’m not a very empathetic person – but the truth is, I am but it hurts so much, you aren’t going to see it unless you are very close, to be able to smell the garlic on my breath close…..only to my heart.

A painful part of my life these past weeks was mailing out our Christmas cards – usually a most joyous event for me – showing my lovely family to the world and feeling blessed beyond measure…..that feeling returned last night, despite just days before feeling like those cards as such a front and lie – that if you’d open the flaps you’d see all the ugliness, sin and hurt in our lives.  It has been a symbolic measure for me to send them, knowing that many people around me may look like they have it all together, but really, deep inside is pain, suffering and hurt.  

Last night, as my family came together in hugs and tears….I felt a glimmer of that greater hope again, knowing we’ve a long road ahead, I felt God’s direction once more saying, peace, it will come. We have held fast in the storm, we have suffered to return to a new wholeness, knowing that we will never be the same as a result.  We will be stronger for the next crash of waves – for they will come…

We remain committed to our mission field, right in our own home….daily walking in the Lord to continue with his calling in our life.  I know, we could have ignored him over the years and we’d be selfishly living a life without 4 children that needed God warrior parents, fighting for them in every aspect we can and are able to….making that difference in their lives.  Even when it feels like out boat is sinking, God blows the sails and keeps us afloat, we are walking on the water holding hands with Jesus – knowing that through the love we’ve received we have a hope that is bigger than our pain.  

Ephesians 1:5  He predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ.  In accordance with his pleasure and will.

Merry Christmas!

Friday, November 20, 2015

Crumbling Soul

You are a crumbling soul held together by rubber bands of love
From your adoptive family you flee mentally like a dove.
Do you know how much we ache for your wounds that won’t heal?
Like a salve that never works, you will never understand how we feel.
We forge on again and again, taking your pieces we cradle so dearly
Never missing a beat, hoping one day you will see it all clearly.

Your destiny still to be carved by your doing,
The path behind you misconstruing.
A parent’s love pushing you to be your best
Holding on and waiting for the rest.
Time will tell, time will pass
Please, be quick and show us what will surpass.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Dear Child who has made some bad choices....

Dear child who has made some bad choices.

No matter what choices you make, you are always my child.  I will always love you.  You know when you have disappointed me, you know my opinions and you don’t have to have the same.  You can question my opinions, but don’t question my love.  Since the day you came to our home I have loved you.

I’ve probably enabled you too much, wanting and seeing the good heart you have, wishing to change your destiny – praying that your path would be a good one.  Today I am sad.  Sad at your choices, sad that they will have ongoing legal consequences for you….that you know right from wrong and can’t own your actions.  I’ve heard the excuses for years, discouraged as we worked hard to raise you to own your actions and sad at where we are today.

I understand impulsivity.  But I also understand moral choice.  You are not a reflection of my moral choices nor your Dad’s.  You are your own person, an adult now.  We will painfully step away so that those consequences handed down are yours to hold and live with.  You so many times remind me you aren’t a kid – you are 18.  While I see an emotionally immature 18 year old….what comes is yours.  We have done our best.  I pray God has good plans for you yet.  I pray this isn’t the path you’ll continue on.

I still have hope and dreams for you and your future – it is all yours to own.  We as parents will always be there to encourage you…but you need to take wing, own this and go on your path….

I am reminded of Christ who died on a cross, beside him two thieves, praying you too will find your way to Christ someday, and I await that day in anticipation – I await that joy.  Meanwhile, I pray for the strength to survive these days....

Luke 23:   40 But the other criminal rebuked him. “Don’t you fear God,” he said, “since you are under the same sentence? 41 We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.”
42 Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.[d]  43 Jesus answered him, “Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.”

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Fall Days and Pumpkin Patch Fun

A family that plays together....prays together and stays together....

Monday, October 5, 2015

I am who I am

I am who I am.
Honest and true.
I’m not a scam but very real.
My emotions on my sleeve.
You’ll know where you stand with me.
No pretense or falseness here.

I am who I am
God made me as I am today
Life has carved and molded me
If you don’t like it, you don’t have to
I’ve plenty of friends so I’m not looking to join your club
My actions speak louder than words

I am who I am.
Many know my heart and deeds.
They set the path of truth.
So if you listen to the rumor mongers
And believe them, they are as true
As the rumors I hear about you.

I am who I am.
Loved and Created by Him.
A sinner striving to walk a path.
If you want to do something human,
Talk to me instead of about me.
So I can find out amazing things about myself I didn’t even know...

I am who I am.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Manitoba Mosquito

Manitoba Mosquito

Your needle like nose pierces my skin,
You violently take my blood from within.
You take without asking,
You draw quickly while basking.

You suck long on my blood,
The pain hits me like a flood.
Out goes my hand to lash,
Your body the target of my smash.

Blood and black merge into one,
Your legs and life are all done.
The hole centered bump on my skin appears,
Your legacy of a short life that disappears.

The red raised spot creates an itch from within,
Scratching instantly gives to lightning burning skin.
Calydrill provides relief rather slow,
Dam you, Manitoba mosquito!


Thursday, September 10, 2015

90 years ~ Nothing To Sneeze At

This is a modified version of what was submitted for the local paper on this past weekend festivities I thought I'd share:
September 5th and 6th brought the Wayne and Elizabeth extended family together to celebrate Elizabeth and Wayne’s 90th birthdays.  A milestone in itself, was celebrated with family time using the new Community Building location as more than 30 descendants of Wayne & Elizabeth gathered for quality family time in honor of their birthdays. An inflatable bounce house, mini golf, volleyball, water balloons and numerous other games made for enjoyable family time.  Besides the home state of Kansas, family traveled from Nebraska, Colorado, Oklahoma and Texas.
90 years is a good long time – back in 1925 bread cost 9 cents a loaf, butter was 55 cents a pound and coffee was 50 cents a pound as well.  Sears Roebuck opened their first retail store in Chicago IL, Mt Rushmore was dedicated, the first hotel was opened in California and “The Great Gatsby” by F. Scott Fitzgerald was published.  There wasn’t an internet, cell phones or answering machines. They have seen many changes over their lives so far.
Elizabeth (my wonderful cancer fighting Mother-In-Law and awesome Grandma to my kiddos!) is an avid quilter – over the years she has made many quilts and blankets for family and through the church for MCC missions.  A photo album was presented to her by the family, documenting the many quilts and blankets she’s given them over the years.  Every grandchild received a twin sized quilt at age 2 or 3 years old, then a full sized one upon graduation.  Tied car blankets to beautifully cross stitched quilts abound in the family and are cherished.  Wayne (Awesome Father-in-Law and Grandpa to my kiddos!) has set up the quilt rack and visited many fabric stores in support as well.
Their daughter Jayne of Odessa Texas said it best that these quilts and blankets are made of many memories with the pieces, put together to make something larger and carry a meaning that is beyond each single piece. They contain memories of those who have used the quilts on cold nights or when someone was sick.  They represent where we come from, a bit of history to carry with us wherever we go.
Saturday evening the family hosted a cake reception with friends and family from 7 – 9 p.m. Sunday the family joined in morning worship at their Church followed by a family potluck.

Leviticus 19:32 ~ Stand up in the presence of the aged, 
show respect for the elderly and revere your God.  
I am the Lord.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Crumbs of Love

Recently, when my hubby has been getting up at 4 a.m. for work, he fixes his lunch sandwich on the kitchen counter and leaves "crumbs" a lot.  I hate to admit it - but it bugs me, so I scoop them up, toss them out into the trash can.  Then, awhile back one morning it really irked me - so I texted a photo to him - with a request to clean up his crumbs!

This morning, when I got up - I found this on the counter.

I love him.  Now, I can't complain about those dumb crumbs - because I'll think of this and know I'm loved and in the grand scheme of things, what are a few I'll clean them up and keep on....sometimes love just does that.

Such a reminder that Jesus too sees our sins (crumbs) and keeps on loving us no matter how many crumb messes we make.  Forgiven ~ Loved.

Colossians 3:12  Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Morning Smile

She makes me smile. 

Some mornings are such a push - this was a welcome spirit lifter to watch her brush her teeth this way.  Hope it made someone out there smile....just a little.  Have a great week!

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Last but not least...

Then there is this ornery guy - off to Community College.  Hoping for a great year with prayers for safe travel as he lives at home and commutes!
Well, the kids are all back in school – I’d say this summer went fairly well, it truly helped that the teens had jobs to help keep them out of trouble – despite trouble always finding them, or vice versa.

I feel a little sad – summer nights and hot days spending at the local pool slip away into routine and earlier bed times. We get the joy of getting everyone registered for their respective school which equates to chunks of money out the door.  New shoes purchased, books and supplies as well – doesn’t feel much like free education when we are supplying tissues and food snacks besides all the regular items you’d expect.  Next year we will probably have to supply their own toilet paper too!

Half the year of 2015 is suddenly gone.  My kiddos are all getting older, outgrowing things and showing more maturity….well, that is a lie, it is more like 3 steps forward, 2 back – but we are slowly getting there.  Day before school all three teens had lost their phones for various reasons, one lost keys to a mode of transportation and the other is seriously grounded.  Yes, this sometimes is still the norm, despite them knowing better – I remind myself they are teens.  For some reason, I just wish they’d be more like Steve in his teen years, yet God continues to bless me that they are closer to me in their rowdy choices.  Payback?  I hear my Mom saying “someday I hope you have children just like you!” I think her wish came true – but don’t tell the kids.  The mischief looks different, but it is still the same as they spread their wings, pull at the apron strings and try to get free.

I’ve heard more about how “hot” girls look – despite me telling them they don’t consider that a compliment! Or how great their butts are – EXCUSE ME HERE, YOUR MOTHER CAN HEAR YOU!  Or how cute he is, “swoon.”  “Not hard on the eyes,” etc.  Yup – teens.  I smile on the inside....reminding myself I too was once a teen….and I don’t wish for a minute to relive any of it.  I recently ran into a close friend from those teen years who reminded me how we’d two and three ride on a small Honda 50, getting off and standing on the country road side staring at clouds if a vehicle came along, lest some cute guys saw us three gals all riding together in a very not cool way…..  Appearances that we thought mattered, that didn’t.  We just didn’t know it.  So, I see my kiddos dealing with the very same……wishing my wisdom on the issues could seep into their brains, to no avail.

The mornings have a slight crispness, the season will be changing.  And so I will embrace this school year – pray for less drama – will suck it up and go.  I’ll not long much for the days past, but embrace the days forward and rise to this season of parenting as we chart new waters again.  Here we go. 

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Friday, July 31, 2015

~We Will Be Eight~

She is turning eight.  So we took some pictures.  I love how her personality comes'll see it too.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

House Fronts

It has been a while – you’ll notice I go in spurts.
Summer has been crazy….teens drive me crazy…..
When one of your teens goes on Craigslist to lose their virginity, and their cell phone explodes with graphic texts and so forth….let me just say, parent moment lows.  Void of changing a phone number, I’ve embraced the parental blocking tool to its maximum. Pornography – Satan’s friend – in the digital age is a serious vise.  A friend shared a video recently I asked all my teens to watch – it was Ted Bundy, serial murder to many women, testifying in his only interview before his execution when he’d spent 10 years in jail.  Things that struck me were that he said he was raised in a good Christian home, that his parents and 4 siblings didn’t do anything wrong – he had a loving home.  He blamed pornography, the lure and secret he held onto as his demise….and shared that all his cell mates acknowledged being addicted to it as well.  What does that tell us?  How can we keep our children safe in a sick world?  When everywhere we turn there are sinful things pulling at our children – children that aren’t the strongest to begin with fall prey easily.  I’m not making excuses for the issues we’ve had.  Simply, I don’t know what we could do differently. 

I’m already a Mom who tracks what and where my kids go on the internet – we’ve had many problems.  When I visit with other parents and they don’t – I think, am I just a helicopter Mom?  Or do they seriously just not want to know – some excuse it, kids will be kids……but I’ve seen marriages fail from the vise of porn and so much more……no, I don’t think I’m being unrealistic to hold my kids accountable on the internet, despite themselves. 
House fronts – we show one side to the street side, looking special, brick, shutters, porches, landscaping – so different from the sides of the house and the back of the house.  Often normal siding and unadorned house backs are a part of a great looking front home.  Just like people – who wear the right stuff, look the right way, talk the right talk…..but behind it all is fakeness or falseness.  The real them shows through eventually as they can’t always hide it – but many do – spending their whole lives not showing their real sides. Don’t you know those people with the sticky sick smiles that are always sunshine and roses – that have the limp handshakes and whitened smile but couldn’t give you “real” if they tried? 
I challenge my teens, what they do on the digital world or how they act in school, if very different from how they are in church or at home – they are being those house fronts too – not showing themselves for who they really are.  Teens are seeking – seeking acceptance, their identity and what they really want to believe.  I can tell who they hang with – when one says they hate Fords, I simply look at their friend on Facebook going on about how bad Fords are.  Peer pressure – trying to go along with the crowd to not be sticking out – to be accepted and apart, despite them not really caring if they drive a Chevy or Ford – they are just happy to have wheels!  Salvage titled wheels!

Maybe I’m too real – I know I shock people with my straight forward boldness.  But – I believe in being bold – in all I do, but especially in my faith.  I’m not perfect and have my flaws, I’ve definitely some hail damage to my siding…..but, you know if you really get to know me, my bark is bigger than my bite, my heart is very soft and sometimes I put up that front too – to protect the vulnerable inner side that is often hurt.  And I love to laugh and humor keeps me sane. 

Recently I embarrassed my daughter when checking out with a cash purchase, the clerk asked me for my phone number.  I said “No thank you.”  She persisted she had to have it.  I replied I paid cash and I wasn’t going to give her my phone number.  My daughter thought “I” was rude – she was embarrassed.  I explained to her, for a less than $20 purchase paid in cash they didn’t need my phone number, I didn’t want to be called or have them call me or text me – and it was my right to protect my phone number, a lesson I was hoping she’d get and understand….she didn’t.  I realized, even a teller she didn’t know can influence her to do anything they want?  At times like these I think all the direction we give our kids falls on deaf ears.  To give our kids self-esteem to stand up at the right times is so hard… lessons. 
We are still a work in progress – all of us – on all of it. 
Keep us in your prayers! 

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Up and Down

Up and Down
See and Saw
Round and Square
Back and Forth
Give and Take
Catch and Throw
This is how we go.

Friday, May 15, 2015

Being a Foster Parent Rant

Being a Foster Parent Rant:
 It has been a few years since we let our Foster License go.  4 adopted kiddos fill our cup, hearts and time. 

Recently, I realized that one particular child – has a “hate” for and warped reality of who and what foster parents are.  Their own experience, shows on TV, media and stigma shed poor understanding for the Foster Parent status….so this is my plug for understanding that “Foster Parent” isn’t a bad word.

Who would want to be a foster parent?  Who would want the abuse, rowdy uncontrolled kids prone to temper tantrums, coming with grungy or no clothes, social and developmental issues, often head lice or other medical issues due to neglect, kids that blame you for everything wrong in their lives and to be expected to love them unconditionally trying to mirror what a home should be like when they are just hating you for something you didn’t do that got them in your home?  I’ll tell you.  Kind folks.  Good folks. Folks that love children and hurt for the hurt the world puts on children that end up in the foster system.  It isn’t a “job” while it can be, but it is so much more. It is for those with a passion to help the fallen and hurt.  It is often void of reward – you may or may not see the fruit of your work.  It is a calling.  It is living our scripture:  James 1:27 - Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

One thing I’ve heard this child say “they just do it for the money.”  The answer to that is No. Go to a MAPP class and go through all the requirements for becoming a foster parent and see if you’d want the job!  Foster parents don’t do it for the money.  While now I believe it may be $620 a month, and that might sound like a lot to you – it isn’t anything a person will get rich off.  Usually when in our home, those funds went towards food, clothing, haircuts, diapers, Photographs because they never had any, special formula (Soph’s cost $200 a month not covered by the system) entertainment, sometimes larger needs like braces or quality glasses (not only the ones the medical card gets them because those usually where the ugly or cheap ones that broke easily).  With Soph who was only 5 days old, we only had less than 2 hours notice and the boys were 48 hours notice - so we needed some car seats and baby stuff. I remember the Walmart clerk chastising us for buying 4 car seats the night before the boys came telling us we didn’t need that many.  Um, yah, we did.  Two vehicles with two baby/toddler guys coming/going had to be equipped.  Most people have baby showers and 9 months to plan, we had 2 hours for our 5 day old.  Bicycles and toys abounded as well.  Monthly paperwork and reports you have to turn in to your case manager, forms for every little thing you do from vacation to activities have to be signed off on with court approval, especially if you go out of state or country like we liked to do.  If you took the money by the time you keep up your training hours, foster proof your house to standards normal people don’t even do, countless appointments with social workers, case meetings, doctors/dentists/mental health care workers – you’re making Negative -$1.86 an hour on an average month. 

So why did we do it?  We fostered to adopt.  This was what we felt called to do – our “mission” field shown to us after 16 years of infertility and trying to do things our way – we released ourselves to God and He directed our path to Foster Parenting.  Some people are called to be missionaries in other countries – we were called to be missionaries in Foster Parenting, right here where we are.  We could have just continued on in our marriage childless, doing what we wanted, when we wanted, traveling, hobbies…  BUT we chose to love and lose – love and WIN as well.  And we never really “lost” – we gave of ourselves to the best of our ability, not all the children we kept got to stay with us – our 4 are God-Picked and God-Blessed….meant to be.  Who knows, maybe we’ll do it some more after the house gets emptier. 
So, while you mourn your past over and over….it is the path God had you on for YOU and US.  You may never accept that.  I can’t make you.  But I can educate you that Foster Parents are not EVIL people who abuse kids and do it for the money. It is up to you what you want to believe.  In all cases of parenting – birth parents or foster parents – you will see good examples and bad.  That is life.  So look for the good.  Look and realize it isn’t your fault or theirs you ended up in Foster Care.  Fate – we talked about this.  Sometimes it is our fate that gets us to certain places – something out of our control that takes us someplace we may not at first willing want to go or do…..but ends up a great thing.  I hope someday you’ll look back and realize – this family is a great thing and you are a part of that greatness!

Friday, April 24, 2015

Prom 2015

Our oldest will graduate this year from High School……YAAAAHHHHHOOOOOO.  He is not a school lover nor will he pursue at 4 year college at this point in his life.  He will finish a 2 year Auto Tech program, he likes hands on work.
Last year a girl stiffed him at the last moment and he didn’t have another day to ask or sign up a friend to go to Prom with him.  He was able to still attend the “After-Prom” festivities with a friend he asked from church, but didn’t get the opportunity to dress in the tux with a gal dolled up.  This year, he was telling me he just wasn’t going to go.  Luckily, a “friend” overheard and said he had to – and ended up agreeing to be his date for the evening.  They are good friends and get along well, lots in common.  I was so happy for him. 

So, she got the “dress” and I matched him up in a tuxedo.  Man, he cleans up nice!
Then we took some fun pictures, which they truly indulged me in…I might have gone overboard, but it was such fun for me.  They cooperated greatly and had fun too, I think.
So glad he had this first and last Prom experience.  Was a fun night. 

Now….on to graduation preparations. 

Friday, April 17, 2015


She is free
She is alive
She fills my cup
She lifts me up
She spins
She twirls
She dances
She prances
She is sunlight
She is song
She is sweet
She has large feet
She is blue
She is blonde
She is soft
She is kind.

You can lead a horse to water....but you can't make it drink.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.  This is a saying my Dad often said.
As our school year winds down, the kids are tired, the teachers are tired, the parents are tired.  Typically we sssllliiiidddeee out the end of the year – trying to keep the kiddos motivated to give it their last push, less than 15 days for one who will graduate, and maybe 22 for the others.  It is a challenge we hit every year.
Apathy sets in, they don’t care.  I can encourage, bribe and try to motivate all I can – but if they don’t have it in them… is like leading a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. I’ve one child who has it bad right now.
Field trips will start, one complains of having NOTHING to do in school and that being bored is worse than having too much to do.  I’d be for ending school even earlier, as once the state testing is done – is it a long slide to home plate. 
Some teachers show this tired trend more than others, some stay motivated to teach, others like the kids are slacking all the way.  My daughter said her math teacher hates repeating the lesson, but she often doesn’t get it the first time it is done, so she asks for help.  This teacher plays favorites as well, so she has learned to go up to “listen” over the shoulder when the teacher’s pets get a nice explanation, because he doesn’t give her the same treatment.  The other day, she said he asked if there were questions, she raised her hand, he ignored her and said to get to work then.  She went up to ask for help and he said he couldn’t right then, so she went to sharpen her pencil, looked at his screen and noted that he was harvesting his crops on Farmville.  She told me she called him down on it, he said they needed to be harvested.  Really. She says he is a nice guy, just a bad teacher. He sounds burned out to me.  She has to have him one more year.  She usually gets the Special Ed helper to re-explain the math.  Then the math teacher gets mad if they ask other teachers, (guess it shows he isn’t helping them, dah!)  one time he even yelled at the Special Ed teacher for helping the kids and explaining it in a way they could understand.  Serious issues here.  The kids know it as well, it doesn’t help their level of buy in either.  I’m sure there are households out there that have NO clue what I’m talking about.  That is OK.   I see teachers ranting on social media about how underpaid they are, overworked etc – like you didn’t know what teachers earned before you got your 4 year degree or what the job entailed?  With the state budget cuts – some should find new professions, there are lots of new graduates eager and wanting to teach with a freshness, newness and energy needed and positions are hard to find right now for many because of cut backs. We have MANY great teachers in our district as well, those that awe me with their care and dedication and enthusiasm….my kids know who the good ones are too and talk about how great they are, fun they make learning and how they challenge them to learn in new ways.  Wish there was a better system to deal with this.  OK, rant done.
So, if ya’ll have any great ideas on how to stop this annual downhill from happening, comment away! 
I think I’ll go drink some water.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Messenger's Eyes

Light in a messenger’s eyes brings joy to the heart,
and good news gives health to the bones.  ~ Proverbs 15:30

Vision – Eyes. 

5 out of 6 of us wear glasses. 

2 out of 6 of us can’t go cross eyed.

3 out of 6 of us have had some type of eye surgery.

Just ‘cause you wanted to know.

Sunshine, longer summer-like days have come,
joy in the heart abides and
our eyes bring joy to our hearts…

Friday, March 20, 2015

The Road Before Us

This morning as I drove into the morning sun, I watched as it rose, it changed and moved my view along with the movement of my vehicle which carries me down the road to work.  Some days I yearn to just stop, get out and wander, not arriving as I should – but my reality doesn’t have me tarrying this Friday. 
My commute time is my time alone – 40 minutes of the day to myself in my own space – allowing my brain to wander, to stress, to plan, to absorb what is to be and what has been.  I take joy in my views some days, while other days I lament the time to hasten to get on with what needs to be done. 
This morning’s light frost and fading fog with the rising sun was beautiful.  With only my cell phone, I reached for it yearning my “real” camera.  The cell phone doesn’t do it justice, but captured well despite itself.
New roads by God’s changing hands on the same roads I travel everyday – he paints them for me daily.  27 years of the same drive – it can still take my heart and move it.  There is always change despite always being the same.
As we age – we have new roads as well by God’s changing hand on our same roads of life.  My mother-in-law a fiercely strong, faithful, independent women who 5 years ago beat breast cancer, has a return of cancer in the form of lung cancer.  A new road on her same road to journey.  We all want to help – she has 7 children who love her deeply.  We live the closest.  She has been a giver to us all these years, meals, quilts, books, time, support – you name it – she has been there.  Now, on this same road, we ask and beg for her to allow US to give back in new ways.  It will be a journey.  While the first treatment wasn’t effective, bless her – she wants chemo.  She is small, frail in body – but bold in spirit. 
If you are reading this and you are a praying person – please lift her up as we journey through this fog of cancer.  I believe in the power of prayer….I also know God calls us all home when our work on earth is done.  Praying through this journey for his wisdom and guidance that we as a family honor her and come to her aid in the ways we can – each with gifts different from the other, but each with a heart of love and support for a lady large in spirit. 

Mathew 7:14  But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

And again...Forgiveness

Ephesians 4:32 – Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Matthew West – "Forgiveness" lyrics really put the guilts on me….I know what I have to do….70x7… takes all I can to fall and come back up…..over and over again….from the highest of highs to the depth of the seas.....roller coaster days.....this is the life of a RAD child mother....this is the life of any mother who loves their children....especially the teen years! 

It’s the hardest thing to give away
And the last thing on your mind today
It always goes to those who don’t deserve
It’s the opposite of how you feel
When the pain they caused is just too real
It takes everything you have to say the word

It flies in the face of all your pride
It moves away the mad inside
It’s always anger’s own worst enemy
Even when the jury and the judge
Say you got a right to hold a grudge
It’s the whisper in your ear saying “set it free”


Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible

Help me now to do the impossible

It’ll clear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what its power can do
So let it go and be amazed
By what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner that it really frees is you

Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
I want to finally set it free
So show me how to see what Your mercy sees
Help me now to give what You gave to me

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Cold Frosty Morning

You dance on my windows
You display your artistic flows
Patterns that grow
In the cold morning slow

The defrost on high
Is your demiseful goodbye
Your beautiful freeze
Gone in the hot breeze

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining

Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining
I grew up hearing this – who hasn’t heard this.  Another popular one was “the darkest hour is just before dawn.”  I always picture Jesus Christ on the cross, that last hour of suffering before heaven and eternal life.  And one more….”light at the end of the tunnel.”
I’m looking for the silver lining these days, looking for the light, craving dawn….these are dark days again.  Waves are crashing on the rocks of my life. 
Trying to stay positive, trying to choose happiness and keep it.  It eludes me too often.   If only I could have a constant thought process like: I fell down the stairs today and thought, “Wow! I sure fell down those stairs fast!”   Keep it positive.  I'm a realist.
I believe that if I walk with God, I’ll reach that destination….that happiness and joy can be a daily thing.  My son strives to make me laugh….he is successful more oft than not, he sees the stress, feels the stress, hovers to protect me…I see his love for me and recognize my hurt has him taking on this protective role.  I welcome the laughter when it comes….washing over me in soothing massages. He wants to lash out at the cause and I halfheartedly hold him back – it isn’t his fight.  Why is it a fight?
The word “failed” runs through my head….then off in the distance I see peace and joy and I want to reach for it, move forward despite the pain to get there…I’m ready.  Many won’t understand – it will be that way. It is okay…they haven’t walked our walk.  The whisper of release pulls me.  I’m so sorry….but I want the storm to stop.  This isn’t only for me, but for the others….they need this too...
Sometimes painful things teach us lessons that we didn’t want or think we needed to know. I don’t know why this happened so I’ll put my trust in God even though this doesn’t make sense.
I pray for release.....I pray for peace.  Let the sun set and rise to show a new day.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

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