Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Soul Weary

I am weary. Soul weary.

The struggles just continue.  I told my son the other day, that God was telling him, like Jonah, to go to Nineveh and he just refused to listen and was being swallowed by the whale of life – throwing him up on the shores of sin over and over – but he still refuses to go to Nineveh.

I repeat – I am weary, soul weary. 
These struggles are real.  For all the “find joy in everything” people who exasperate me with their happy joy bubbling selves, I wonder if the trials they experience relate more like a broken fingernail or wrong paint color than to teenager underage drinking, verbal abuse, domestic battery, porn – the dirty laundry list is long….and painful.  However, I to realize my trial list is nothing compared to those with debilitating health challenges, cancer, death and many other things that make mine look like a broken fingernail!

I rise, I restore my broken soul with agony only a parent’s heart can hold and pray to God “why did you save my children through the foster system, only to create these hard times that pull them back to the very life they were saved from……is it destiny for them?  Why?”  It feels cruel.  It feels like I failed as a parent.  Soul weary.

A friend mentioned my “tough love” and I felt bad that she viewed me as a tough love Mom.  But then I remind myself, she hasn’t walked this walk.  I will NOT enable my children. They need to own it, we have given grace, mercy and forgiveness – we do it every day…..natural consequences and parental discipline is needed more today and I see more children being rude to adults and their parents than ever.  I’ve noticed with my kiddos, that after a big “err” of their ways / choices, that when we lay it out for them, they willingly accept it and seem HAPPY, yes I said HAPPY that we laid down the law.  It is that wall that remains constant for them – the reminder we do care, we will apply punishment for actions and we remain strong in trying to guide them back on the right path.

My son waited 5 days before he asked me to sit down that he had something to tell me.  I sat down, bracing for what was coming…..he shared he got a speeding ticket.  He was so relieved – yes he lost keys for a while, but he understood.  We filed for diversion, it was his first ticket – he told me how scared he was when he got pulled over and he’d hoped he’d only get a warning.  He wasn’t lucky and a whopping $$$ ticket was awarded to him.  But he finally told me and I could see the relief in his face. 

So, while some days the weary overtakes – the soul is weary while the world around me judges.  United with my husband, we soldier on.  Never knowing what our next challenge will be – I have a recurring nightmare of losing a child.  I’ve had it for years and it is always the same child.  Fear and worry can overtake your dreams too.  I know the sun shines on the other side of the thunder clouds and I take myself to a happy beach far away some days.  Then I pull up my socks, my faith and my hope and say, there will be a day that joy comes more than the trials we are facing.  Faith carries me on.

My soul needs a spa day – the kind where everything falls into place and the tapestry of life is complete with joy and fulfillment.  I have to accept that I am living a life I’d never imagined or expected. This is my calling and my journey, despite my doubts, denials, and fears.  As much as I struggle to know why God allows these hardships in my life, His purpose and ways are beyond my limited understanding and I trust Him still.  My trials draw me closer to Him for comfort and hope in which I can ultimately serve Him.

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